With Relish
by ShadowSilk
Summary: No one calls Yuu Kanda’s hair girly and gets away with it. Smirking, Kanda unsheathed Mugen. Time to make some chutney. Oneshot.


**Author's Note:** My first D. Gray-man fic. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **D. Gray-Man does not belong to me.

* * *

The east corridor of the Black Order Headquarters was deserted. It was completely silent, but a muted pattering of footsteps soon broke the stillness. 

Allen briskly made his way down the hallway, wondering where everyone could be. He had already checked the cafeteria, but was puzzled to discover it completely unoccupied. Even Jerry was missing.

Allen quickened his pace. At any rate, he had to find Lenalee soon. She had promised to accompany him to the new buffet that had just opened less than a mile away. His stomach growled pitifully at the thought. Since it was opening night, the owners had declared an all-you-can-eat special marked with a very agreeable price. He had to get there soon, so as to assure a good booth.

As he traveled farther into the abandoned corridor, Allen realized that it was getting darker. Soon, it was nearly pitch-black. He sighed. Apparently, Komui's latest invention had blown out all the lights in this section of the building.

Allen grimaced. Komui, as brilliant as he was, could be rather…unstable when it came to matters concerning his little sister.

It was frightening.

Up ahead, a sudden swishing sound caught Allen's attention. In the lack of light, he could just barely make out a shadowy figure. Allen sighed in relief. It was Lenalee; the long hair was unmistakable. The person slowly turned around to face him.

"Lenalee!"

Allen ran forward, smiling. "Lenalee, I've been looking all over for y—"

"_Moyashi_!"

Allen's eyes grew wide. He felt his stomach drop. That voice…it could only belong to—

"K-_Kanda_?"

He felt a clammy hand grab him around the neck. Allen let out a strangled yelp.

"How dare you mistake me for Lenalee!" Kanda snarled. He lowered his voice to a hoarse whisper. "_Do I look anything like a female_?"

"W-well…" Allen tried to swallow, but Kanda's death grip around his windpipe was making that particular task somewhat difficult.

"_Answer me, damn it_!"

"Er…" Allen closed his eyes. He had to tread carefully now.

"Kind of…?"

Kanda exploded. Allen felt himself being dragged into the lit part of the corridor, Kanda keeping a firm grasp around his neck.

The black-haired man shoved Allen to the ground. Allen rubbed his sore collar.

"Explain!" Kanda demanded. He drew out his sword with one hand. "Or I'll make chutney out of your dismembered corpse!"

Allen blinked. "Chutney?"

"It's a sweet and spicy relish," Kanda growled impatiently. "And if you refuse to explain, then I won't hesitate to turn you into just that!"

Allen gulped. He just had to rationally discuss this, and everything would be okay.

"In the dim light…I thought…" He gestured miserably at Kanda, whose black hair cascaded around his shoulders. The exorcist had gone without his typical ponytail today. "Well, your hair is really long, sort of like Lenalee's, so…"

Kanda was livid. "You're saying that my hair is…_effeminate_?"

"Well, it's pretty damn androgynous, Yuu."

Allen quickly turned around to search for the source of this new voice, who had just blatantly disregarded Kanda's rules concerning his name. Startled, he found Krory and Lavi standing behind him. Krory held a large swirly lollipop in one hand, and was gnawing at it with his fangs in gusto.

"We just got back from a field trip to the art festival," Lavi explained.

"It was lovely," Krory gushed. "Everyone from the Order was there. And look!" He held out his half-eaten lollipop. "I've never seen such a lovely specimen in my entire life!"

Lavi gestured at Kanda with his chin. "What's up with Yuu?"

"Don't call me that," Kanda spat. He pointed Mugen at Allen's throat. "Moyashi here thought I was _Lenalee_."

Lavi burst out laughing.

"You—Lenalee!" he chortled, wiping away a tear. "You…your hair…" He succumbed to another fit of giggles.

"My hair is not girly!" Kanda insisted. He silently cursed. If he had tied his hair up today, none of this would have happened. Unfortunately, he had somehow misplaced his hair-ties.

"Allen-kun? Is that you?"

Everyone turned to find Lenalee coming down the hallway. Her long hair was down, echoing Kanda's current hairstyle. The resemblance was outstanding. Allen, Lavi, and Krory looked from Lenalee to Kanda, then back again.

"Kanda! There you are!" she exclaimed. She gave him a cheerful smile. "Do you think I can have my hair-ties back? I can pick up a box of them for you on our way to the buffet, so you don't have to borrow mine anymore."

Kanda glowered as Lavi's laughter rang out louder than ever. Soon, Krory's lilting chuckles joined in, followed by Allen's laughter, tentative at first but crescendoing into a full-blown guffaw.

"I DO NOT HAVE GIRLY HAIR!" Kanda roared. With that, he stalked out of the corridor, mumbling incoherent things under his breath.

Lenalee looked confused.

"Kanda has…?"

* * *

Kanda became aware of light footsteps behind him. He scowled. Why couldn't these people leave him alone? 

"Kanda."

He swore under his breath.

"_Moyashi_."

"Er—I'm sorry about earlier. I should have stopped Lavi." Allen said uneasily. He had decided to take an honest approach. It was the only noble thing to do.

Kanda was unimpressed.

"It was the lighting," Allen continued, uncomfortable. He had never been good at this sort of this thing. "Just because you sort of look like Lenalee when your hair is down doesn't mean anything!"

A vein in Kanda's temple pulsed.

Allen realized that he had just said the wrong thing. Instantly, words quickly spilled out of his mouth to mend his mistake, but unfortunately, they weren't closely screened before leaving his lips.

"You don't look too feminine!" he quickly assured Kanda. "Just your hair."

Kanda began to unsheathe Mugen. His eyes were like ice.

"Would you like to know what I think?"

Allen gulped.

* * *

Kanda poked at his soba with his chopsticks. After chasing the bean sprout down the hallway while wildly swinging Mugen, and after Walker had activated his innocence but tripped over Timcanpy so that he was unable to defend himself, and after Walker had leapt out a window in an effort to escape his attacks, sitting down to a hot nice meal was the perfect way to relax. 

As he slowly chewed a mouthful of noodles, Kanda felt someone lightly tap his shoulder. He whirled around, finding himself face-to-face with a cheerful Lavi. Kanda could see Krory and Allen peering at him from behind Lavi's shoulders.

Allen, whose clothes were tattered from falling into the bushes outside of headquarters, fixed with Kanda a devilish leer. He began to cackle evilly. Allen had obviously lost it. Perhaps he had hit his head while he plummeted out the window.

Kanda watched the white-haired boy laugh wickedly at him. Walker had probably enlisted the help of that annoying redheaded idiot.

"Yuu!" Lavi said grandly. "How's the hair?"

Kanda replied with an irritated glare. He turned back to his meal. From the corner of his eye, he could see all the patrons of the cafeteria turning to face him.

Laughing.

"What type of shampoo do you use?" Lavi asked, trying to look innocent. "I mean, your hair is just so damn shiny…"

Kanda took a sip of water, inwardly restraining himself from jumping up and wringing Lavi's neck. They were trying to publicly humiliate him, he realized. He would just have to bite his tongue. He wouldn't supply them with any more fuel. Besides, he used soap, which was cheaper and manlier, in his opinion. His hair was just naturally lustrous.

"I think you should keep wearing your hair down," said Lavi in a loud, conspiratorial whisper. "It's so much _prettier_ that way."

Wordlessly, Kanda stood up and began to walk away.

"Do you use mayonnaise for conditioner? Your hair looks _so_ healthy!"

Kanda gritted his teeth. How did that annoying redhead know that he had just tried using mayonnaise last night? He had been rather surprised to learn that it was, in fact, _the_ perfect conditioner.

But once he got through this situation, that jar of mayonnaise was going down Lavi's pants.

The three exorcists began to laugh hysterically. Kanda's tray of soba began to clatter as they fell against the table, shaking with laughter.

Kanda flipped his hair disdainfully. They obviously had no respect for his wondrous mane.

"Hey," Lavi said suddenly. He leaned in, eyes growing wide as he noticed something on Kanda's scalp. He wore a serious expression on his face. "Yuu, I think you might have dandruff."

Something inside Kanda snapped. He could handle their teasing, he could handle them smothering him with their drivel. He could take their irritating comments on the womanliness of his hair. After all, they had been complimenting the vigor of his hair without even being aware of it.

But _dandruff_?

He narrowed his eyes.

They had just violated the sacred line.

_No one_ accused Yuu Kanda's hair of anything less than perfection.

"That's it," he murmured. In one fluid motion, he drew out Mugen and ran his finger over the length of the blade.

Lavi, Krory, and Allen froze.

"Run," Kanda said quietly, settling into an offensive stance. He smirked. "I'll be having chutney tonight."

* * *

**A/N**: Hope you liked it! Reviews would be very appreciated. I love constructive criticism, so don't be afraid to tell me your honest opinion:) 

I wasn't really sure which spellings of the characters' names to use, so I hope this was all right!

Anyways, thanks for reading!


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